Thrift Store Gore: Holiday Gift Guide

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It’s time for some Thrift Store Gore! What is thrift store gore? I made it up with my brain! It’s a column I created after finding one too many disturbingly weird things while thrifting. I post photos of stuff that belongs at the tippy-top of Little Big’s Thrifting Pyramid and then I make fun of them. Click here for more gore, or here to learn about Thrift Store Gore Bingo, a fun game for the whole family and maybe that crazy lady who won’t stop talking to you in housewares.

The holidays are right around the corner, and let me guess–you still have people on your list to shop for, and time’s running out! Never fear, friends, Thrift Store Gore, the tippy-top of Little Big’s Thrifting Pyramid, is here to help! I’ve put together a no-fail gift guide for those hard-to-shop for people on your list. Whether they’ve been naughty or nice (and who can really tell, going by this gift guide?) I guarantee you there are unique gift ideas here you haven’t considered before.

FOR YOUR BOSS OR COWORKER

Let your coworker know how you feel about them (that they are old and illegitimate) by giving them this sign. Your colleague will know you think about them even when they aren’t around with such a thoughtful gift. You can even put it on their desk, wrapped in only a bow, anonymously, to spread the Christmas cheer further. They will get the added gift of wondering who would do this to them. Holiday fun!!

FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND

Get them a gift that says, “You are my best friend” by buying them a gift that literally says that. Just be sure that if you give them this gift they aren’t the kind of person who will turn around and donate it to a thrift store ANGELA I’M LOOKING AT YOU IS THIS THE GIFT I GAVE YOU LAST CHRISTMAS???

FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR

You share a fence or a street name, so why not share a set of toilet-themed salt-and-pepper shakers? This one’s Your’n.

FOR YOURSELF

Have you been good this year? I mean, really, really good? Have you been so good that the sweet babby Jesus himself gave you a shoutout, just moments after being born? Then, and only then, can you treat yourself to the find of a lifetime: a bag of unicorns.

FOR YOUR UNCLE JOEY

Do you have an uncle named Joey who sleeps too much? Between the creepy, ill-proportioned clown, the motorized action that does… something, and what I’m assuming is music from the Ice Cream Truck of the Damned, that problem will be solved. In fact, he might never sleep again. Yay, Uncle Joey!

FOR YOUR SECRET SANTA GIFT EXCHANGE

You barely know the person you were assigned for the annual Secret Santa gift exchange. They say they like golf and football, but you know better. Surprise them with a homemade death mask!

FOR YOUR CHILD’S TEACHER

You want to thank your child’s teacher, but don’t want to give them another gift card or scented candle. Instead give them a giant three-and-a-half foot shadow box filled with shoes, a hairpiece, a feather boa, some makeup, silver false eyelashes, and what looks like a crazy person’s manifesto written on the glass. A steal at $20! He’ll love it.

FOR YOUR FAVORITE DEVIANT

Merry Christmas, you filthy animal!

FOR YOUR LETTER CARRIER

This clock features the noble bald eagle, which represents Uncle Sam, and wolf, which symbolizes the majestic power and beauty of unfettered capitalism. It’s also snowing, which symbolizes weather. It’s okay if you can’t find this exact clock–the important thing is that it should be very large, awkward to carry, and heavy for its size. Letter carriers appreciate and treasure that.

FOR YOUR FRIEND, THREE-EARED RITA